two wrong and not enough right
by colsamcarter
Summary: She'd heard all the jokes about men going through their mid-life crises and impulse buying boats or Ferraris or Porsches, but this is something she couldn't have possibly mentally prepared for.


**I wrote some tags on a post and then this fic happened. Thank you campy (campylobacter on twitter) for the beta! **

_two wrong and not enough right._

They've been to some weird and wonderful places but they're both entirely agreed upon the fact that the Mattress and Bed store is the most depressing destination in this galaxy.

"Y'know, we wouldn't have to do this if you hadn't suggested that one thing with the…" He's cut off by an elbow to the ribs and one of the fiercest Carter glares he's ever received.

"Is that a complaint? Because it sounded like you were enjoying yourself until _your _ancient bed gave out. And anyway, you started it with the…" She stops suddenly as she fields a _Can I help you? _from a store employee. "No thanks, we're just having a look around." Jack is miles away, thinking about the exact turn of events that led them to this point, and it must be showing on his face because he receives a second nudge and a whispered "Concentrate. We can relive our hazardous sex life later," before they make a turn down another aisle of bed frames.

Jack contemplates how they got to the point where their sex life could be considered 'hazardous'.

After almost an hour of debating the merits of innerspring versus coil, her cell goes off and before even picking up she can tell by the caller ID that she's going to need to leave.

"It's the mountain." She explains before picking up. "Carter. What kind of trouble? Well have you tried turning it off and on again, Jay?" She pauses for a while as her ingenious solution is tested. It obviously doesn't work, because after 30 seconds her tone gets a little more terse and she asks "Just how much of an emergency is this?" It's followed shortly by a sigh and she mouths a _Sorry _at him. "I'll be there in ten. Don't touch anything until I get there." She flips the phone shut. "That was Felger. Some idiot started messing with one of the experiments and there's actually some pretty important readings that need to be taken of this mineral before SG-14 ship out again tomorrow so…"

"It's fine, go." He's long before learned that Sam is possibly the most in-demand woman on the planet. When she moved in he found out just how many private firms were vying to employ her (and just how much they were willing to offer) when he had been forced to buy a larger mailbox to accommodate the large volume of schmoozing letters. "Which one do you think…?" He trails off, gesturing at the frames they're surrounded by.

"I honestly have no opinion. Whatever you pick is fine. As an adult man, I have trust in your ability to pick out a bed for yourself." She kisses him on the cheek, then hurries out of the store.

* * *

Sam sighs and wonders why she ever though her adult boyfriend had the ability to pick out a bed for himself.

She'd heard all the jokes about men going through their mid-life crises and impulse buying boats or Ferraris or Porsches, but this is something she couldn't have possibly mentally prepared for.

"Neat, isn't it?" Jack grins. "You only have to change the water on these things about once every few years. It's supposed to be great for back pain. And it comes with dual heating!"

One thing that Samantha Carter has learnt about Jack O'Neill, in the 7 years serving as his second and the 11 months as his girlfriend is that pointing out his mistakes generally did not prove successful and there was usually a substantial short-term fallout. A more effective approach was to give him the time (and often the impetus) to allow him to realize the error of his ways on his own. As she has no desire to get into a fight over something so stupid as a damn waterbed, she smiles sweetly and kisses him on the cheek.

"You did good, hun!" It's not a total lie – at least there's a 30 day moneyback guarantee on this model. He grins appreciatively and completely misses her eyes widening to the point of exasperation when he turns away to start dinner. Already she's thinking of the best way to let him down gently, preferably without the mess of letting down the waterbed simultaneously.

* * *

The next evening when he arrives home from the Academy his first thought upon entering the house is how she's cleaned up the hall. She had the day off work today, and though she was usually loathe to take any leave from the Mountain unless it coincided with his days off, he works pretty regular hours now and she said she had errands to do. Apparently, one of those errands was cleaning up around here. When he enters the kitchen, he realizes that also, one of those errands was to cook dinner for him and get dressed up in that silky robe and pyjama set he likes.

"Hey." She turns around and smiles at him like she's been thinking about him coming home all day.

"Hi. How was work?" She pads over to take his jacket from him and drape it over the chair behind one of the place settings. She pulls out the chair and he obediently sits, gazing up at her as she spoons steaming pasta onto his plate. She made Carbonara – sweet.

"Work was fine. Green recruits, slightly less green cadets who think they know everything, the same as usual. How was your day off?"

"Amazing. I caught up on all my periodicals, did some spring cleaning, had a bath…" She sighs contentedly.

"Made dinner… which tastes amazing by the way." He's pretty sure this sauce didn't even come out of a can, which alarms and mystifies him.

"I finished up early and figured we hadn't done Italian in a while. I hope you don't mind."

"Mind? Sam, this is amazing. The only thing missing here is dessert, but frankly I'm not gonna have room after this." She grins in a way that makes his fingers clench into fists around his knife and fork.

"Don't you worry about that."

* * *

Once they've finished washing the dishes, Jack finishes drying the last one as Sam blows out the last of the candles, her lips pursed. She catches him looking and pads gently over towards him.

"C'mon, you." She takes his hand and he leads the way upstairs and down the hall towards and into their bedroom.

When he sits down on the mattress, he tries his hardest to ignore the ripples that emanate; instead focusing on the she looks slinking towards him from the bedroom door, blue eyes flashing with arousal.

He's totally unprepared for the entire edge of the bed to lose its integrity and yelps in alarm as he slides onto the floor, landing flat on his ass. She bites her lip to keep from laughing as he struggles to get up and seat himself further back onto the still quivering mattress.

"I'm fine. I'm fine." He looks flustered. So not fine, but he's as stubborn as ever.

"Where were we?" With far more grace than her boyfriend, she crawls up the mattress and straddles him with a smirk.

* * *

"Are you sure you're OK? I can fetch you a heat pack or drive you to the emergency room if you think it's something serious." Sam looks genuinely concerned as she's fluffing his pillows but he's still so grumpy that he just huffs and mutters.

"I'm fine." He can't stand the thought of having to sit here with one of Carter's special lady time stick-on patches (even if it sounds heavenly) and there's no way in hell he's going to explain how this happened to any emergency room nurse or doctor.

"OK honey. Do you need water or anything?" It's totally irrational but something about the fact that she's being totally understanding about his sudden incapacitation and the fact that it's _totally his fault _and _he knows it _makes him snap.

"For cryin' out loud, Sam, I said I'm fine!" She flinches, then pulls back, rubbing her hands together nervously.

"OK. Sorry." She lays back down and turns over. "Night." He sighs. Upsetting Sam was definitely not on his list of things he wanted to do today. He reaches over and gently lays a hand on her shoulder seeing as he can't move much else. She turns around and he's glad to see that she doesn't look too upset.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I'm just tired and cranky and mad that I messed up our evening. Thank you for going to so much trouble… I'm sorry I ruined it." She immediately looks sympathetic, which simultaneously makes him feel both better and worse. God knows Carter was always perfectly understanding and reasonable, even when she had perfect reason to be mad as hell.

"It's fine, you didn't ruin it. I understand. Just go to sleep, we can talk in the morning." She kisses the back of his hand then takes it in hers and shifts away from him slightly so she doesn't jostle him the night.

* * *

After he's had his back checked out and then subsequently clicked back into place by an osteopath she figures it's time that they put this entire bed fiasco behind them.

She calls ahead to let him know when they have gate trouble, telling him not to wait up since it will be late when she's done. She's right, of course, and by the time she pulls into the drive it's past 0300. She tries to be as quiet as possible as she comes in so as not to wake him, stripping off her jacket and changing into a pair of boxers and a tank from the fresh laundry on top of the dresser. Once she's changed she stands and looks at him for a while.

His face is completely relaxed in sleep, his arms reaching out towards her side of the bed in a way that makes her feel fuzzy inside. He lies fairly still, although every now and then he wriggles around a little and she can see the whole bed wobble, which makes him frown for a few moments before his face relaxes again.

She thinks about how much younger he looks when he sleeps.

She thinks about how she loves him so much. How he's most certainly a _total idiot _despite the fact that he's also one of the smartest men she's ever known. Mostly, she thinks about how he is still pretending that he loves this goddamn waterbed even though it damn near broke his back and they haven't had sex since.

She sighs quietly, and then takes a running leap onto the bed, launching him into the air.

He lands with a surprising amount of grace considering the absolute disaster that threw his back out last time, but it takes him a few moments to realize what's happening until he notices Sam sitting on the edge of the bed even as he still bobs vigorously up and down.

"What the –"

"Sorry I woke you, but you need to know that if you continue to carry on pretending that this bed is working for you then I am obligated to inform you that I will be doing this every night when I come back late until you admit that this was a total mistake. Oh, and I am never having sex in this bed." He takes a few seconds to get his bearings, but when he does he just pulls on her hand until she moves to lean up against him.

"Next time, don't let me make important decisions like this. I think we've both learned that despite my advanced age, I am not the responsible adult in this relationship. I'll go back to the store in the morning." She sighs and cuddles closer into his side.

"I love you." He presses a kiss to her hairline.

"Even though I'm an idiot and I'm damn stubborn?" Her reply is muffled as she presses her face into his chest.

"Especially then."

* * *

The next day they invite Daniel and Teal'c over for pizza and beer while they put their new bed together. It's a sturdy four poster, wooden headboard, and thankfully has a boring, firm mattress. As Daniel is busy slotting Tab A into Slot B while Jack sips at his beer and Sam passes Teal'c another, he pipes up.

"What happened to the waterbed you got?" If he didn't look genuinely curious Jack would think he was trying to tease. Teal'c also looks quizzical but has his damn eyebrow raised in a way that always signified he knew exactly everything that went on.

Sam smirks.

"Don't ask." Jack warns. Daniel figures it's best not to further that line of enquiry.


End file.
